Got Caution Tape?

Only the Lonely

2011-05-15T09:01:00.000-07:00

I'm a consultant. A traveling one. Yeah, so it's kinda like being a traveling salesman in the 1950's. Except I don't drive myself in a big car of shiny chrome on dusty dirt roads or desolate highways around the country-- with coffee cups lining the floor & a tidy briefcase in the passenger seat. Instead, I wait in a crowded line to take my tiny seat on a big blue & orange airplane and fly each week-- with a tiny wristlet purse & my worn laptop bag stuffed with travel receipts & unread mail stowed properly underneath the seat in front of me while flight attendants walk up & down the aisles to make sure all electronic devices are powered completely down and properly stowed away for takeoff.

And it gets lonely.

Don't get me wrong! I love my job! I get to experience the ultimate thrill of independence! It's like being on vacation, yet I get to live & work in a new place with each job. I get the excitement of exploring a new city and experiencing the beauty & wonder of a place away from home. Pretty cool, huh?

It is. But it also gets pretty lonely.

In an attempt to fight the lonlies while I'm away, I sometimes find myself making conversation with random strangers...while I'm waiting in line at the airport restroom, waiting to board the light rail, waiting for my lunch at the cafeteria, waiting at the Safeway checkstand to bring home my bachelorette-like groceries for the week. And I don't find much success with these attempts. I miss my family and my conversations with them. It's just not the same.

Lonely.

And when I come home...my family moves on during the week. They've done their thing, had their experiences, and shared it all with me via short text messages or a quick call after dinner.

But nothing can compare to being home and sharing these experiences together, in person, at the dinner table, holding hands on an evening walk along the greenbelt every night as we watch the moon rise from its slumber and the sound of crickets & the twinkling of fireflies fill the night.

It's the same with my friends...they do their thing. We share on Facebook. We sometimes talk on the phone. But when I eventually see them, I sense the disconnect. We haven't shared our laughs & tears together, sat at the cafe, or sipped coffee, or talked over a beer in the backyard on a warm Sunday afternoon and the tasty smells of BBQ fill the air.

I am a ghost simply passing through.

I must give credit to my family for making every effort in making me feel loved and cared for on the weekends. But, alas, it's only healthy that we have our separate lives and interests even when I'm home on the weekends, too. But it's hard for me at times.

So, what do I do about this lonely bug?

I don't know.

But what I do know is that I need to appreciate every moment I have with the people I love. Cherish every word spoken when we're together. Savor their very presence and the air we breathe together. Relish every hug. Burn every moment into my memory...

And pack those memories into my ragged, overstuffed laptop bag as I board the 757 every week. And unpack those memories every Monday night and hang them on the walls in my mind. And visit those memories throughout my week as I walk along Broadway lined with trendy coffee shops & quaint eateries where people sit outside & share their lives together...

And fill my soul with those memories and know that I'll be home soon. And I'll have more precious memory cargo to pack with me for next week.

Until then...

I'll take all I can get in the now. In the moments I have with those whom I love dearly.

Morning Walk...

2011-03-29T10:48:00.000-07:00

Here's a little bit I wrote while living in Upstate NY last spring... Enjoy! :)

I'm up early this morning- I take the dog for a walk
We move through the neighborhood at a healthy pace
The streets lined with manicured lawns Driveways bear the delighful witness to children's imagination through sweet colors of faded chalk

I smile.

We stop at the park
I feel the warm sun on my face
My dog lifts his leg
My mind quickly invaded with thoughts of bills and budgets and deadlines and datapoints and meetings to be had...

Barraged by the mundane.

A sudden breeze picks up
Trees dance, leaves whistle, my hair falls in my face.
A permeating scent of pine floods my senses.

I smile again.

T'was a lovely interruption.

He's the Only Brother You'll Ever Have

2011-03-23T23:35:00.000-07:00

That's what Mom would say to me all of the time.

"Be good to your brother. He's the only brother you'll ever have."

She was right.

I do only have one brother. He's six years younger and the best guy anyone could meet. He's intelligent, a talented artist, great coach and mentor, HILARIOUS, and can sure play some mean ball. And, damn do I miss him. We live a few states apart and I haven't seen him in a while, but not a day goes by when I don't think about him.

The other day, while I was sitting on the train on my ride into work, I was thinking back to one summer day at Grama's house on the beach. She lived in the Puget Sound area, right on the bay, and one summer when I was 15 and my brother was 9, we spent 3 weeks there. We had such a great time! We played hide and seek on the beautifully lush property, picked green beans from the garden, swam in the bay (man, it was COLD), watched the tide roll in and out, roasted marshmallows on the fire pit, searched for silver dollars, chased little tiny crabs around the beach, and had the best summer two kids from a small dusty town in South Texas could ask for.

And on one of those days that summer--I was not good to my little brother.

It was a pivotal day in our relationship. One that we joke about now, but one that brought us closer together despite everything that happened that day.

It started out as a quiet and typical day at Grama's house. She was in the kitchen preparing some sort of meal out of a box or can and serving it on her finest china and cut glass she found at the local dusty antique shop. Her husband was sitting in his green easy chair sleeping to his prized satellite TV. It was a quiet mid-afternoon of old people's routines and little kids' longing for...something, anything.

I was playing my Grama's groovy sounding organ in other room. I used to play that thing for hours on end...I was never really good at it, but boy was I determined to pound out a few tunes. It was also relaxing for me. I was a pretty stressed out kid and music soothed me like nothing else could. I would play song after song in Grama's massively huge "Fake" book, losing myself in thought and in almost another world, another time.

It was wonderful.

As I was lost somewhere between 'All My Loving' and 'Greensleeves' my little brother tapped ever so lightly on my shoulder, careful not to startle me out of my almost trance. I think he asked me something, but I don't remember now. I shrugged his little hand off my shoulder and probably barked something like, "Leave me alooooooone."

Poor kid. He was probably bored out of his gourd. Yearning to be outside in the sea air, ready to dig in the sand and play...with his sister. But his sister was a teenager, and she was obviously not in the mood to play.

I think he must've asked me a few more times to please, puuuuurty please play with him. But I ignored him, and the next thing I remember was this horrible sound of dissonant chords breaking all of my concentration. The sound pierced my ears as though fingernails were scratching slowly and purposely down an old chalkboard.

It was my brother. He decided that he would get my attention by pounding on the lower keys to get me to stop playing on that damn silly organ, and play with him instead. He was lonely. Afterall, there were no other children for...who knows how many miles. I was his only hope in having a fun afternoon of childhood play.

So, his desperate times called for desperate measures.... And he payed dearly.

I remember feeling an instant rage of anger. Anger like I had never felt before. Anger that I had no idea I could even feel. Anger at this little boy for daring to pull me away from something I loved so dear. Pure raging anger.

I was pissed.

Now...before I tell you what happened next, I must confess something. I've only told this story a few times because I still feel horrible, all of these years later, about how poorly I treated my little brother on that day. But those few times I've told the story I've always offered the disclaimer that I reacted the way I did because my boyfriend told me to. See, I had an older boyfriend during that time. In fact, he was my boyfriend for many years and he witnessed many occasions of my little brother pestering me. My boyfriend also had much experience with his own sisters and younger cousins pestering. I swear that I remember my boyfriend telling me that the next time my brother pesters me I should...I should... Well. I just remember that he told me to do it. But when I think back now, I wonder. I wonder if I offered that disclaimer because that's really what happened--my boyfriend told me to do it...or if I merely created that excuse in my mind...Having such a disclaimer was the only way I could possibly excuse what I did.

I punched my little 9 year old brother square in the face.

Fist and all.

I'm devastated even writing about it now.

I remember watching his face in horror after my hard fist left his soft full cheeks. His face grew bright red and the birthmark he had between his eyes almost glowed, flushed with the rage that was burning inside of him. I was worried that he'd be hurt or would start crying...but instead he grew angry...

And promptly began pounding on me with his fists.

It seemed like he had been punching my back forever and I couldn't manage to get away! But we both distinctly remember one thing...as we were fighting we both saw Grama walk from the kitchen into the living room. When we caught a glimpse of her we immediately froze in action--like the Tom & Jerry cartoons- while she walked by without giving us much notice. Then, once she was out of sight, we were back at it--back to the violence. Maybe that happened...or maybe my brother and I created that moment in our minds as our way of saving ourselves from the pain with humor--like we usually did as kids.

I somehow managed to get away and ran upstairs to my room, slammed the door, locked it, and slid down the door to my bottom drowning in my tears. I sobbed and sobbed for what seemed like hours. I sobbed in pain, but mostly I sobbed in shame. It felt absolutely terrible that I had treated my little brother, the only brother I'll ever have, so badly.

It's something I'll never forget.

After a while, I finally had the courage to come out of my room. No, I was not afraid of my brother hitting me again, nor was I even afraid of being in BIG trouble...I was so ashamed that I was afraid to see his sweet face...fearful that my heart would break instantly in his glare.

I don't remember the exact details of all that happened next, but I do remember that my brother had gone to the beach, collected some sea shells in a little jar with sand and a tiny little flower.

He made me a present.

I don't remember our conversation or what words were said between us, but I know we made up. We also didn't tell anyone what happened that afternoon. In fact, I don't think we even talked about that day until my first semester in college. I was missing him one night and wrote about this day for my English composition class. I got an 'A' and I sent him my paper. I missed him so much then...just like I do now.

And, like after I wrote the story in college, our mom will probably lecture me for being a rotten sister after reading this post, but oh well. It was an important day in my brother's and my relationship. It brought us closer. And it's important to me that I tell this story again...because I need to tell my little brother, "I'm sorry."

Of course we fought many times after this, we're only human. And we're siblings, so it's only normal and expected that we fight. But we NEVER went to blows like we did on that day.

I miss my little brother.

And I love him dearly.

Afterall....he's the only brother I'll ever have.

Women's Independence...Have We Overcome?

2011-03-21T07:23:00.000-07:00

Ugh. I'm home sick. And that means, I'm down for the count. But it also means that I get to be HOME and spend time with my daughter, even if from bed. And it means I get to be a part of her world of homework, lunches to make, and school projects.

So, this week my daughter finished a school project she's been working on and talking about for the past several weeks. And yesterday, I was able to view her final product.

I am in awe.

Not only do I have to brag as a mother...yes, she did a great job on her video documentary, but she really opened my eyes to something I knew little about. She opened my eyes to the struggle for Women's Independence during the Gilded Age at the turn of the nineteenth century. I learned about the Gibson Girl, Bloomers, Victorian Fashion Reform, the dawn of the bicycle, what the heck crinoline is, and more...I learned about the fight for Women's Suffrage.

And I am moved.

It never dawned on me that, as women, we once had little freedom in this country. It never dawned on me that the women of the turn of the century had to literally fight society for the freedom to vote, and more. It never dawned on me that society looked down on those women who were intelligent, bold, and who desired more for themselves than to be adorned as nothing more than a cake topper or trophy. It never dawned on me the suffering at the hand of men, mainstream thinking women, and society in general that these women steadfastly endured.

It just never dawned on me. I take the freedoms I have today for granted.

It also makes me think, as I watch her video and take in the visuals of women being beaten by the police, ridiculed by men, and outcast by other women...

If I had lived in those days, what would have I done?

Would I have marched on Capitol Hill in support of Women's Suffrage? Would I have thrown away my corsette and boldly worn the forbidden bloomers to make a point that women don't have to follow the mainstream? Would I have broken away from my traditional role and ventured out, alone, on a bicycle therefore asserting my need for freedom and independence?

Would I have stood up for my beliefs and risked reputation, family, and even endured physical ridicule for the freedom to have my voice heard through my vote?

Would I?

I hope that I would. But I don't know. I really don't.

I say this because I don't do anything NOW.

No, there are no marches on Capitol Hill for the sake of Women's Independence like in the turn of the century or even the 60's or 70's... but I can stand up for my rights even in the seemingly insignificant happenings of my everyday. And I don't do even that.

For example: I work in IT. Yes, Information Technology is a world of and for men. There are few women in my field. And often, the men will actually tell me how little I must know about technology. I end up having to prove myself on every project that I know what a SQL server is and I know how to analyze a technical portfolio and I know how to do regression testing on an Oracle rules engine.

On one of my previous assignments, there were six of us analysts: 3 men and 3 women. We all had similar experience with technology. My boss broke us up into two groups and even sat us apart: the girls and the boys. Then he gave the boys access to one of the business modeling tools. The girls were left to do the writing and other non-technical aspects of our project, while the boys were off learning new technology. The boys were charged with analyzing the technical pieces of the project of which they had zero experience with in human services and the girls had TONS.

Our boss rarely spoke to the girls and rarely came into our workspace. Yet, he was often found in the boys workspace cracking jokes as though they all belonged to a fraternity. When the girls would offer advice on using a new piece of technology to make our jobs easier, our boss quickly dismissed the idea. However, when the boys put together a horrific and painstakingly difficult spreadsheet to pull requirements (rather than the tool a girl recommended), he was elated.

We, as women, soon gave up. We even joked about the situation. But, we sat back in our roles as 'girls' and did the tidings of the non-technical. We word-smithed, created charts and graphs, and settled into mostly administrative roles.

And what did I do? I was sneaky. I took one of the licenses to the boy's tool. I learned how to use it and created a model for one of the team leads. But that's it.

I passively protested. I did nothing more.

I didn't stand up to the obvious prejudice nor did I even confront my boss. I merely sat back. I didn't protest the obvious gender bigotry nor did I stand up for what I knew was right. I simply fell into the mainstream and did what I was told. Why? For the sake of my job? For the sake of my role on the project? For the sake of not rocking the boat or upsetting the status quo?

And that makes me sad. And that makes me feel shame.

No longer will I sit back. No longer will I contribute to women's oppression by quietly accepting what I know is less than what I can give. The Suffragettes paved the way so that I can have the freedoms I take for granted...and I will never take those freedoms for granted again.

Never again.

I am grateful for their courage.

I am grateful for their strength, conviction, and drive to fight for what they knew was right.

I am forever indebted and moved. For they risked it all so that the world would know...

I am woman...

Hear me roar.

No Regrets...Just Lessons Learned

2011-03-19T06:15:00.000-07:00

Yet once again I had a great conversation with my teenage daughter a few nights back...This time the topic was that of regrets. She asked what, if any, regrets did I have in my life.

I looked up in thought as I quickly scanned my memories of my past. What did I regret? I've made many mistakes in my life. Some severe. Some not so much so. Some silly. Some sad. But as I thought and thought and thought, I came up with nothing.

I looked at her and told her that I can honestly and safely say that I have NO regrets in my life. But, I have many, yes MANY lessons learned.

And, I'm sure that there are many books written about this sort of thing, and I probably even had this same conversation in therapy: to live life with regret is a sad thing, for every mistake we make only helps us become better and wiser and closer to the warm sunshine of love & happiness.

This is the same schpiel I gave my daughter.

She didn't buy it.

There HAD to be something I regretted...and regretted deeply.

Ok...there was one thing. One moment in my life that I WISH I could reverse the hand of time and have a 'do over.' One moment that still makes me cringe in frustration. One moment that I can remember how my face felt hot with emotion.

One moment that I don't necessarily regret...but I CERTAINLY learned from it. Oh yeah. I learned.

With this thought I smiled my sly little smile, looked her in the eye with 'that' look...she knew she was gonna hear it. She sat back and deep into the couch and propped herself up to listen intently as I told my story of regret…Err, Lesson Learned. ;)

And my story goes like this:

I was in the fifth grade in Catholic school. Fifth grade was such an awkward time for me. Oh, gosh! How awkward it was! I was this tiny little thing who could hardly kick a ball two feet, had zero motor skills, was completely into losing myself in books or my Casio keyboard, and well...just a little nerd. I was shy and quiet (although not with my closest girlfriends). And, well, to be honest...I just never felt like I fit in. I never felt like I was good enough or smart enough or special enough.

Long story (and several hours in therapy later) as to why...but for now-- I just did. I just didn't feel adequate.

So. Back to the point. Regret...Err, Lesson learned.

Fifth grade. Catholic school. Miss Gonzales' class.

Our little town's theater got the movie 'Gandhi' and our school decided that it would be quite the educational experience for the fifth and sixth graders to join the public school kids in seeing this LOOOOOOONG movie. So, one hot afternoon, to the Garmon Theater we marched in our blue plaid uniforms, single file, to see 'Gandhi.' No one was particularly excited about the movie itself. We didn't see what the fuss was all about. But it seemed like most kids were excited about getting out of school to see a movie during the day! Fun! And I was REALLY excited at the possible notion that I might catch a glimpse of my mom. She taught at the public school and was taking her sixth grade class to watch the same movie that day. Maybe I'd get to see my mom! That was exciting for sure.

Once we reached the theater, we took refuge in the cool building and found our seats in the old style theater. As the lights dimmed the children’s chatter quieted into a few sparse giggles as the movie began.

Now, I have to admit that I don't remember much of the movie. But I do remember two things about it: the beginning and the end. The opening scene was flash-forward of Gandhi’s fatal assassination and the ending was a repeat of that same opening scene. I’m sure there’s an actual term for that directorial effect, but I don’t know what it is even now. But I do know what I saw. In fact, I distinctly remember thinking that having the flash-forward, then telling the story and repeating the opening scene at the end was quite powerful. It must have been! I remember it still after all of these years!

After the movie we walked back to our school in our single file line (no I didn't see my mom) and all the way back I remember walking in silence and just thinking about the powerful movie I had just experienced. Gandhi was quite the example. He was about peace and love. He was about humility and patience. And wow, why would anyone want to kill him?

When we arrived back to our classroom, we all took our seats. I remember my assigned seat in fifth grade—I sat behind Johnnie ALL the way in the very back of the classroom. Why Miss Gonzales ever sat me in the BACK of the class, I'll never understand since I was the shortest kid in the class...but alas, she did. I was in the back. Most days I don't think it ever mattered...but on this afternoon, it did.

Lesson Learned: Don’t accept or take a back seat.

Miss Gonzales waited until we all stopped our chit-chatting before she asked the class about what they thought about the movie.

The next thing I remember was the question being asked...THE question. The very question that makes me shudder even to this very day. The question that I yearned to answer. And I don't even know who asked the question, but it still rings clearly in my memory…

"Miss! Miss! Was there two Gandhi’s?"

Whuh? .... WHAT??!!?!

Two Gandhi’s? Haha. What a silly question, I thought. Surely, Miss Gonzales would quickly clear this one up and move on. Then I remember looking up and seeing several hands in the air. And then discussion ensued. In fact, I remember a LENGTHY discussion ensued about whether there were two Gandhi's... not about much else. And it seemed to last forever!

Was I really hearing this correctly? Even Miss Gonzales was asking the question and joining in the discussion. The class AND my teacher questioned the dramatic effect of the movie's flash-forward.

Two Gandhi’s? Really?

I eagerly raised my hand. I knew the answer! I wanted so much to explain what the director did with repeating Gandhi’s shooting and how the director used different time references to make his point and Gandhi’s death all the more paramount.

It was a flash forward, people!!

I raised my hand, but no one saw it. I propped my left palm under my right elbow to keep my hand raised—it was getting tired. Miss Gonzales never called on me. The question was never answered that day in class. It was never answered at all in Miss Gonzales’ class.

And I felt awful that I hadn't the courage to be heard. I cowered and remained silent. I was too scared to speak up. I was too timid.

And for those who know me now... Obviously I am timid no longer. And I CERTAINLY speak up.

Lesson Learned: Don’t be afraid to be heard.

After I finished my story, my daughter and I sat in silence. It was the very first time I had every told that story out loud. And almost thirty years later, it is still one of the most significant days of my life.

Yes, it took a few more years for me to learn the lessons I took away from that day, but that day was the pinnacle for me. A turning point.

But, not a day goes by that I feel regret.

No.

But I learned. Boy, did I learn.

Now people can’t shut me up.

Oh…and what’s even funnier…when I got home on that paramount day in the fifth grade, my mom asked me the question…

“Were there two Gandhi’s?”

Lesson learned: Even our parents whom we as children believe have all of the answers—don’t always.

Afterall, we’re only human.

Lesson learned.

How 'Bout Some Randomness?

2011-02-24T20:54:00.000-08:00

Top 10 Random Thoughts/Questions/Pondering Moments That Popped Into My Head This Week:

10. Is it only me...or does anyone else out there only use the toilet seat covers when someone is in the next stall out of fear of being perceived as unclean?

And when alone, simply stare at the glaring toilet seat cover dispenser only to pass it up out of sheer laziness?

9. How come it's OK for companies/governments/corporations, etc to be late in paying someone... but for the rest of us it's soooo not?

8. Why are some ceilings sparkly?

7. When was the moment when I decided that I could not live without Facebook?

6. How do I know if a decision made is really the RIGHT one? I mean, REALLY the right decision.

5. What would happen if the world had a big blackout...and it lasted for 24 hours?

Would everyone's data be lost?

Could we have 'do overs' at that point?

4. Why do I think out loud (therefore REALLY confusing others) while other people have the amazing ability to process internally BEFORE they open their mouths?

3. Why did the caged bird sing?

2. Why do deep rooted personal demons keep haunting me well into my adulthood?

1. Why do 'Good Morning' texts make me feel so good?

:)

1.1 Why, oh why, am I so fascinated with toilet seat covers? :D

"Home" ...And now for something different...

2011-02-15T20:55:00.000-08:00

So, I don't typically write poetry. In fact, I find poetry writing extremely difficult. However, once in a blue moon something will inspire me and away I write in verse.

This poem I wrote last year after a long move across the country. And even though circumstances have changed in my life - I am in a different part of the country, I am single again, and I collect frequent flyer miles rather than drive...the yearning for HOME ever persists in my days.

More so now than ever. ...I miss you LD. I can't wait to go home.

Enjoy.

I drive along the 787
The crimson sea of tail lights lead the way outside the city
The dark winter sky is the canvas
The cold concrete overpass looms in the foreground
The longing in my heart paints the night
I want to go home.

Cars dart in and out
Everyone in a rush to reach their final destination
I watch them pass in a frenzy
I grow numb and my thoughts of you are the beacon before me
I'm carried along without a captain's navigation
I want to go home.

I see the landmarks I now know all so well, no longer novel
You passed a joke, it was a lifetime ago
I am alone in a world of unfamiliar faces
Cold and unforgiving of my pain
They all have their lives, their hearth, their love
I want to go home.

You filled my world with light
You slept in my bed, made it warm
A mere three days felt like a thousand
I felt the sun kissed warmth of the white sand on my bare feet
I felt the cool blades of grass tickle between my toes
I want to go home.

You live your life and play your shows with the band
The miles between us bear down- my spirit haunted
Your love is the deluge that has penetrated my heart
The memory of your touch lingers as though a ghost
I want to go home.

I live for the day I'll see your sweet face again
Your gaze pierces my steely heart
You held the key that unlocked the door for me to a world of which I knew not
Of yearning and affinity and hope
Of desire and family and security and love
You are my home.

I want to go home.

"Fight or Flight" ... I'll take Flight, Please.

2011-02-10T23:18:00.000-08:00

So this week has been a tough one.

First, it started out with two of my dearest friends calling it quits (for now) after being married for almost 2 decades.

Wow.

He's flying. She wants to stay and fight for their marriage.

But I can totally understand how much easier it is for him to fly.

Then.... By Tuesday I found myself saying 'yes' to a new living situation while I travel away from home. I now have an apartment and a roommate.

But.... I'm still traveling light so that I can 'cut and run.'

I want to fly if I have to.

By midweek, I found myself in conversation with a coworker about how I enjoy my career as a consultant. I get to work on project start ups, do my 'thang' and dash off to the next new and exciting project.

I get to run away for a living.

Now at the end of the week, I think back to the conversation I had on Sunday with my recent ex boyfriend about my departure. He said he would have even supported my decision on leaving because he could understand it, but instead I chose to run without word or warning...and that he did not understand.

I didn't talk things over with him or even give him warning...

I simply ran.

So now, I 'm thinking about ALL of the running I have done in my life. Let's see...

1. I ran away from home at 17
...to college, so not the typical running away. I didn't tell my mother that I had been accepted and already paid for my fall tuition at UT.

2. I ran away from my first love and his proposal of marriage.
I didn't even tell him...I made him suffer and cry and beg me all while I coldly shut him out. I didn't even know why at the time. I still don't. It just felt right to run.

3. I ran away from my marriage --rightfully so.
I fought for over a year while he battled alcoholism. But then I ran without telling him where I was going.

4. I ran away from my daughter's Dad.
We were going through a rough patch thanks to finances. He said it was over and I took that as my chance to run...which I did at that very moment. No working through it. No time to cool off and make up for words that slipped out in anger. I ran.

5. I ran from a healthy relationship after almost a year of dating.
No word. No warning. I moved 2500 miles away and didn't tell him I had left. I mean, he knew I was moving for a job eventually...but he didn't know that I actually had.

Why does it feel so much safer to run away?

What is it in us that chooses to stay and fight through things and how come some of us just cannot seem to put up a good fight?

Why run from the things that might even be good ? Such as a healthy relationship or even the NOTION of a healthy and lasting relationship?

Why is it easy not to think about the pain that find those lying in the wake?

I suppose, I'll have to dig a little deeper. But, boy are my running shoes worn thin.

I think I'll rest my tired feet now.

...Till it's time to run again.

The Making of a GREAT Team: We can learn from baseball's best

2011-01-27T21:43:00.000-08:00

So what makes a great team?

A team that can reach their ultimate pinnacle of success...

A team that can work together under the most challenging of situations...

A team that beholds the love of their most loyal supporters...

A team that has unwavering unity and, yes--love amongst dudes...

All throughout last year's Post Season playoffs, I asked myself these questions of my favorite baseball team.

Yes. I am a San Francisco Giants fan.

I love those guys.

And I remember how much I loved my team back in 2002 when they were in the World Series and suffered devastating loss against the Anaheim Angels (damn Rally Monkey)...and I remember how much I loved them in 2010 as they brought home the long awaited World Series victory against the Texas Rangers (Hellz YEAH).

I loved both teams.

But what made the difference from winning and losing those years for the Giants? Was it one thing you can put a single finger on? Several factors? Just plain luck? What can we learn from both teams in life, love, and business?

Well...Of course...I have my theories. ;)

The Making of a GREAT Team:

1. No one team player, no matter how brilliant or talented, can win alone.

2. Work hard. Play hard. Laugh hard together.

3. Conflicts happen. But don't go to bed angry and certainly don't let things come to punches.

4. Have a skipper who knows when to bring on the outcast who shows promise...

...and when to sit out most shining (and most expensive) star.

5. And even the skipper sits you out...you still show your steadfast support.

6. A great team is supported by those around them who love them over the years, through thick and thin.

7. The more love your supporters show you...the crazier the getups.

8. A great team knows each others' weaknesses, yet celebrates each others' strengths.

9. And sometimes a great team has their very own rally thong...just for luck.

10. But in the end...a great team doesn't have personal alterior motives, or secrets, or envy, or greed for individual power.

Instead, they are just great together. They are a TEAM.

(And some great teams even have their very own theme song.) ;)

Is That How People Love?

2011-01-18T22:57:00.000-08:00

Airports. You can see an awful lot in airports. You can peer deep into the human condition whilst on a layover in a busy city airport.

I spend way too much time in airports.

Most of the time I see lovely and heartfelt moments...

People in love who run to each other and embrace after a long absence.

Teenagers venturing out into the wide world of independence.

Dogs high on canine downers.

Great Grandmas embarking on new adventures...eventhough they are frightened.

But this morning I witnessed something that truly bothered me to my very core. And it made me wonder --

Is that how people love?

I was waiting for my very early morning flight to work when I heard a final boarding call for 2 people for the departing plane next to my gate.

Bummer.

Mere minutes later, a couple came rushing down the escalator from the security area to the gate. They were out of breath, in their late 50's to early 60's, and obviously in a hurry to catch their plane.

They were two minutes too late.

I heard the woman plead with the airline counter lady that she HAD to board the plane and something about missing a connecting flight to Hawaii. Then I heard the airline counter lady say something about being sorry and the flight being closed.

Then it happened. The woman started crying.

At first, the crying didn't phase me. I mean, afterall. It's just a missed flight. Airline counter ladies know how to handle this. Things will be taken care of. The couple will get to Hawaii. But then I heard the woman cry harder and sob to her husband,

I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!

And she wasn't merely apologizing. She sounded as though she had caused her husband insurmountable pain and near death. Words cannot describe the sheer pain in her every sob. The more she sobbed uncontrollably, the more her husband became curt with her. He spoke to her in a very angry manner...yet quietly. I sensed a great deal of contempt in his voice, in his eyes, as he spoke to his crying wife. His lips curled. Condescending.

And as she sobbed, the only words that escaped her trembling lips were,

I'm sorry.

I should have left earlier.

I'm sorry I got stuck at security.

I'm sorry that I cost you so much money.

I'm sorry.

I'm so very sorry.

Granted, I don't know the full story. And I could be imagining all of this based on my own personal history. But I know that feeling. That feeling when emotions overtake you out of humiliation in front of your partner. That feeling like you can't do right by the one you love. The feeling like you can't do ANYTHING right, for that matter. The feeling like no matter what you do, the one you love will resent you for it.

But that can't be right. That can't be how people are supposed to love.

I'd hope that if ever I were faced with that situation myself that the person I chose as my mate would love me as I need to be loved. My husband would love me enough to know that I'm a procrastinator. He'd secretly set my clock 15 minutes ahead so I'd wake up on time. He'd help me get prepared the night before with my liquids in a zip lock baggie. He'd drive us to the airport with way more time than we'd ever need because he knows I don't move so fast in the early hours of the morning. He'd help me plan and TOGETHER we'd make our flight and our dream vacation a reality.

Of course, I'd help him ditch the plans once we were on the beach and have the absolute time of his life! I'd lavish him with spontaneity! I'd make him laugh 'til he cried! I'd rub his forehead while we lay on the white sand. I'd kiss him and hold his hand. I'd buy him a hideous Hawaiian shirt.

And if I screwed up, he wouldn't see it that way. He'd see that I was human...just like him. Just like everyone else in the world.

And if we missed our flight, we'd miss it together. He'd take my hand, wipe my tear from my cheek, look lovingly into my eyes, smile tenderly and say,

There, there dear. The airport counter lady will take care of us. It's not the end of the world. As long as we're by each other's side, we can overcome any sort of hiccup life belches our way.

Now that's how people love, right?

Ah well...if that only happens in LaLa land where unicorns roam...

Then I'll just continue to fly solo.

The Power of Friendship

2011-01-17T09:52:00.000-08:00

Wanna know a secret? It's something that really hit home with me this weekend. It's a huge secret, although you probably already know it. Ya ready? Shhhhh...don't tell anyone...

Here goes:

Never Underestimate the Power of Friendship.

Tada! Great secret, huh?

Well, ok. So maybe it's not such a big secret. In fact, it's not a secret at all. But sometimes I forget what truly is the wind beneath my oftentimes flailing wings. And I've certainly come to appreciate the friendships & wind power I've grown to love over the years.

This weekend, alone, my friends showed their love in the most amazing ways:

1. My girlfriend (who lives three time zones away) lent me her ear at 7am after my long hectic work week.

2. My oldest girlfriend and I caught up on the events of the week & laughed at the silly things our families do.

3. My favorite Puerto Rican girlfriend & her family fed me the most amazing dinner.

4. My lovely ladies' Bunco group of 3 years made me laugh until I thought I was going to puke.

5. My dear friend who turned me on to This American Life treated me to a gorgeous dinner chalk full of conversation with much substance (nevermind the chocolate chili cheesecake).

I am truly a lucky girl.

I have some of the best friends any one person could ever ask for.

My friends are always there when I need them.

They always make me laugh.
They always listen when I need to spill my guts.
They always share their wisdom when I can't seem to find my way.
They hold me when I cry.
They check in with me on facebook to show they care.
They feed me because they know my cooking skills are lacking.

And, no matter how much time has passed or how long it's been since I've called or written, they always let me fall right back into our friendship conga rhythm without missing a beat.

So, this post is for you, my friends. Without your love and friendship, I know I'd be an empty shell of a person. You fill my life with joy, love, laughter (LOTS of laughter), and hope.

I hope I can someday offer you as much love and joy as you, me.

PS...

Thanks for the smiles, wisdom, and FOOD! :D

A Loving Mother's Diabolical Plan...

2011-01-03T23:57:00.000-08:00

Ok...not so much diabolical. But, rather, loving. Honest! Allow me to explain...

I had a wonderful conversation with my 13 year old daughter at the dinner table tonight. She told me a sad story about a couple friends of hers who are going through tough phases right now.

One girl is going is succumbing to peer pressure to be all grown up way too fast.

The other girl is buckling under parental pressure to be perfect in every way thereby creating a Mt. St. Helen's eruption in 5, 4, 3...

Poor kids.

She told me how lucky she felt not to have those pressures. Of course she has pressures, as all teenagers do, but hers are not the two above. She told me that she was grateful to me for that.

I smiled at her and told her that I had to take ALL of the credit for how wonderful of a young lady she is turning out to be. All of it. My credit. I told her that it was part of my very calculated, very intentional plan. Yes. A plan that involved years of scheming. A plan that involved specific calculated decisions. A plan that was perfect in the making. A plan that was...

Built upon instinct and love.

After hearing this she looked at me with a face of confusion.

So I proceeded to elaborate on said plan.

Mom's Loving Diabolical Instinctual Plan:

1. Ban teen fashion dolls which are dressed more provocatively than you'd

EVER let your own daughter dress.

2. Don't add unnecessary pressures that won't truly matter in the end.

3. Hug often.

4. Be...

...Silly.

5. Foster individualism & creativity.

6. Forget the plan.

Follow your motherly-loving instincts. We have 'em for a reason. Trust them. And though as parents we all make mistakes...

You can't go wrong with love.

I love you, Lil D. Bunches. :)

To Resolve or Not to Resolve...that is the Question!

2011-01-01T17:02:00.000-08:00

So, the New Year is upon us once again! And once again, people are listing their New Year's resolutions either in conversation, on blogs, facebook, Twitter, etc. Some people are even resolving not to resolve! But still, resolutions are par for the New Year's conversations.

And when I am asked, "What is your New Year's resolution?"

I am usually one of those people that respond with,

I don't put such pressure on myself only to fail miserably by February. I don't make resolutions. I just try and live well every day of the year."

Bull.

I do place a great amount of pressure on myself. Every day. And sometimes I fail and sometimes I don't. But most often than not, I am under a great deal of strain every single day eventhough I don't like to admit it. And it's not strain that others necessarily place on me. It's a lifestyle of pressure that I've created for myself.

I swear it's like a new 'syndrome.' It should have its own name. Kind of a catchy, yet clinical sounding name would be good.

Maybe it could be called the

I-Think-That-I-Have-To-Keep-Up-With-My-Self-Afflicted-Unrealistic-Expectations-To-Please-EVERYONE-Else-Therefore-I-Work-Myself-To-Near-Death-Personus-Disorderous.

Or how about the

I-Can't-Seem-To-Let-Things-Happen-On-Their-Own-Without-The-Overpowering-Urge-To-Control-Every-Tiny-Aspect-of-My-Life-Clinicous-Syndromonious

So, with that said, this year I am making a resolve. A New Year's resolution, so to speak. And I resolve to let things be. Go with the flow. Relax. Not place so much pressure on myself to be everything to everyone. I resolve to take care of me and mine first and foremost.

The rest will fall into place...

Just the way it's supposed to.

Taking It All In

2010-12-30T17:14:00.000-08:00

There are two things that I truly enjoy doing and that make me feel extra good on any given day:

Walking.

Taking pictures.

Often times, I take pictures while I walk. (Thank Heavens for camera phones! Truly one of the greatest inventions, ever.) But sometimes I notice that I miss some really important stuff when I try to walk and shoot at the same time.

I can't remember the path back to where I began. (This happens most often when I'm roaming in the woods.)
I miss the obvious. (Like my body about to collide with a moving vehicle.)
And I don't truly take it all in.

The first two I notice happen to me quite often. (My ex boyfriend can tell you about a pretty significant argument we had about his leaving me on a path in the middle of Leslie Gulch (a volcanic creek bed in the middle of nowhere) just before a lightening storm began. I was too busy snapping photos that I couldn't find my way back to the car! Ack!)

However, I never really noticed that I sometimes don't take it all in until one late summer afternoon this year.

I was riding my bike through the neighborhood (ok, not walking) and enjoying my time away from deadlines, money stress, and other daily struggles when I noticed a GORGEOUS sunset in the distance. The sky was turning beautiful shades of red, orange, and purple right before my very eyes. Since I had my handy-dandy iPhone with me (as always) I stopped my bike and proceeded to dig for it in my pocket.

Then I stopped digging.

I simply sat still and watched the sun set.

I'm not sure how long I sat and watched the sun set, but it felt like an eternity. And it was an eternity of sheer peace. It was a feeling that I realized I was missing out on when I hid behind a lens...for that little piece of equipment can take away the true glory of life when it sits between us and the magnificent world if we're not careful.

When the sun finally disappeared in the horizon for its slumber, I got back on my bike and started my hurried ride home.

Then it began to rain.

I slowed down, turned my face to the sky, and took it all in.

I even took another lap around the block.

:)