No Regrets...Just Lessons Learned

Yet once again I had a great conversation with my teenage daughter a few nights back...This time the topic was that of regrets. She asked what, if any, regrets did I have in my life. 

I looked up in thought as I quickly scanned my memories of my past. What did I regret? I've made many mistakes in my life. Some severe. Some not so much so. Some silly. Some sad. But as I thought and thought and thought, I came up with nothing. 

I looked at her and told her that I can honestly and safely say that I have NO regrets in my life. But, I have many, yes MANY lessons learned. 

And, I'm sure that there are many books written about this sort of thing, and I probably even had this same conversation in therapy: to live life with regret is a sad thing, for every mistake we make only helps us become better and wiser and closer to the warm sunshine of love & happiness. 

This is the same schpiel I gave my daughter. 

She didn't buy it. 

There HAD to be something I regretted...and regretted deeply. 

Ok...there was one thing. One moment in my life that I WISH I could reverse the hand of time and have a 'do over.' One moment that still makes me cringe in frustration. One moment that I can remember how my face felt hot with emotion. 

One moment that I don't necessarily regret...but I CERTAINLY learned from it. Oh yeah. I learned. 

With this thought I smiled my sly little smile, looked her in the eye with 'that' look...she knew she was gonna hear it. She sat back and deep into the couch and propped herself up to listen intently as I told my story of regret…Err, Lesson Learned. ;)  

And my story goes like this: 

I was in the fifth grade in Catholic school. Fifth grade was such an awkward time for me. Oh, gosh! How awkward it was! I was this tiny little thing who could hardly kick a ball two feet, had zero motor skills, was completely into losing myself in books or my Casio keyboard, and well...just a little nerd. I was shy and quiet (although not with my closest girlfriends). And, well, to be honest...I just never felt like I fit in. I never felt like I was good enough or smart enough or special enough. 

Long story (and several hours in therapy later) as to why...but for now-- I just did. I just didn't feel adequate. 

So. Back to the point. Regret...Err, Lesson learned. 

Fifth grade. Catholic school. Miss Gonzales' class. 

Our little town's theater got the movie 'Gandhi' and our school decided that it would be quite the educational experience for the fifth and sixth graders to join the public school kids in seeing this LOOOOOOONG movie. So, one hot afternoon, to the Garmon Theater we marched in our blue plaid uniforms, single file, to see 'Gandhi.' No one was particularly excited about the movie itself. We didn't see what the fuss was all about. But it seemed like most kids were excited about getting out of school to see a movie during the day! Fun! And I was REALLY excited at the possible notion that I might catch a glimpse of my mom. She taught at the public school and was taking her sixth grade class to watch the same movie that day. Maybe I'd get to see my mom! That was exciting for sure. 

Once we reached the theater, we took refuge in the cool building and found our seats in the old style theater. As the lights dimmed the children’s chatter quieted into a few sparse giggles as the movie began. 

Now, I have to admit that I don't remember much of the movie. But I do remember two things about it: the beginning and the end. The opening scene was flash-forward of Gandhi’s fatal assassination and the ending was a repeat of that same opening scene. I’m sure there’s an actual term for that directorial effect, but I don’t know what it is even now. But I do know what I saw. In fact, I distinctly remember thinking that having the flash-forward, then telling the story and repeating the opening scene at the end was quite powerful. It must have been! I remember it still after all of these years! 

After the movie we walked back to our school in our single file line (no I didn't see my mom) and all the way back I remember walking in silence and just thinking about the powerful movie I had just experienced. Gandhi was quite the example. He was about peace and love. He was about humility and patience. And wow, why would anyone want to kill him? 

When we arrived back to our classroom, we all took our seats. I remember my assigned seat in fifth grade—I sat behind Johnnie ALL the way in the very back of the classroom. Why Miss Gonzales ever sat me in the BACK of the class, I'll never understand since I was the shortest kid in the class...but alas, she did. I was in the back. Most days I don't think it ever mattered...but on this afternoon, it did. 

Lesson Learned: Don’t accept or take a back seat.

Miss Gonzales waited until we all stopped our chit-chatting before she asked the class about what they thought about the movie. 

The next thing I remember was the question being asked...THE question. The very question that makes me shudder even to this very day. The question that I yearned to answer. And I don't even know who asked the question, but it still rings clearly in my memory…

"Miss! Miss! Was there two Gandhi’s?"

Whuh? .... WHAT??!!?!

Two Gandhi’s? Haha. What a silly question, I thought. Surely, Miss Gonzales would quickly clear this one up and move on. Then I remember looking up and seeing several hands in the air. And then discussion ensued. In fact, I remember a LENGTHY discussion ensued about whether there were two Gandhi's... not about much else. And it seemed to last forever! 

Was I really hearing this correctly? Even Miss Gonzales was asking the question and joining in the discussion. The class AND my teacher questioned the dramatic effect of the movie's flash-forward. 

Two Gandhi’s? Really? 

I eagerly raised my hand. I knew the answer! I wanted so much to explain what the director did with repeating Gandhi’s shooting and how the director used different time references to make his point and Gandhi’s death all the more paramount. 

It was a flash forward, people!! 

I raised my hand, but no one saw it. I propped my left palm under my right elbow to keep my hand raised—it was getting tired. Miss Gonzales never called on me. The question was never answered that day in class. It was never answered at all in Miss Gonzales’ class.

And I felt awful that I hadn't the courage to be heard. I cowered and remained silent. I was too scared to speak up. I was too timid. 

And for those who know me now... Obviously I am timid no longer. And I CERTAINLY speak up. 

Lesson Learned: Don’t be afraid to be heard.

After I finished my story, my daughter and I sat in silence. It was the very first time I had every told that story out loud. And almost thirty years later, it is still one of the most significant days of my life.

Yes, it took a few more years for me to learn the lessons I took away from that day, but that day was the pinnacle for me. A turning point.

But, not a day goes by that I feel regret.

No.

But I learned. Boy, did I learn.

Now people can’t shut me up.

Oh…and what’s even funnier…when I got home on that paramount day in the fifth grade, my mom asked me the question…

“Were there two Gandhi’s?”

Lesson learned: Even our parents whom we as children believe have all of the answers—don’t always.

Afterall, we’re only human.

Lesson learned.

:)